Nothin like doing some much awaited cleaning.

My instrument of choice

It has been decided. I will buy a bass and learn to play it.

why bass?

I think it goes back to my love of hip-hop. Hip Hop was the first type of music I really got into, and bass is featured very prominently. That, and flea (Red Hot Chilli Peppers bassist). That bastard is epic.

A friend of mine (not mentioned in the grand list) has offered me his bass and the rest of his gear on the cheap, and I'm going to take him up on the offer. It's gonna be my birthday gift to myself.

I'm learning online about the bass. I think the reason it might be easy to pick up because I've spent a majority of my life listening to bass influenced stuff. Oh well, sorry for the short entry, but I don't feel like writing about blue sweater.

The greatest sin I could commit, I comitted

It hit me last night.

I nearly ruined a friendship because I mistook feelings of affection for feelings of attraction. However, I didn't know this at the time. It's one of the worst sins you can commit in dating/relationships/friendships and I'll never commit it again.

The friendship I'm referring to is between me and christian girl. However, in my defense, she did have a crush on me (and admitted to me she wasn't gonna act on it).

This entire entry may piss her off, but since I doubt anyone except her, me, and a couple other characters know her, I'm not all that worried.

A brief overview:
I met her in English class. She liked me for my spontaneity and nigh-feigned confidence (I didn't really care what anyone thought of me at the time). I was very cruel to her, trying to drive her away. why? I was going through a break-up at the time and didn't want to drag her into it, since she knew my ex. She didn't seem to care about my cruelty, even though it got progressively worse.

Her feelings were reciprocated (for a time), until I realized that she was very conservative. I was going through a very apathetic stage in my life (I'm about to relapse into that, actually)

I always figured something was up with her (did she like me? I mused) but I decided to not think about it for a long time and spent most of my senior year avoiding the question, but still keeping her company. Hell, I even avoided prom because, as she was the only person I would've asked, I didn't want to put any stress on our friendship.

As I didn't buy a yearbook, she wrote me a letter. I'm not going to go into it, it just freaked me out and I really panicked. I didn't confront her about it for a long time. When I did, I didn't really handle it smoothly and that led to us essentially going into a trial separation.

The strange thing is, I have feelings for her. However, those feelings are strange platonic love (i.e caring about her, wanting what's best for her, all that good stuff) . I know she cares about me because she's acted as my confidant and did what she thought was best.

I know she's not interested and neither am I.

If this sounds as if it's written as an apology, it actually is. She'll eventually read this (I'm sure of it). The funny thing is, she's kept me out of a bunch of bad relationships I could've thrown myself into, by basically being there.

Feeling empty, hollow

I was walking around campus today feeling rather empty and hollow. It seemed like I was missing something, and quite honestly, I dunno why. I doubt it's because of my friends, or the people who think they're my friends, but because of a deeper and more psychological reason.

I think I've had some form of this feeling since November. I'm not sure of the basis of it (still need to learn more psychology) but I think it's related to self image.

I haven't been seeing myself the same way lately. I used to have the image of someone that could honestly do anything and go anywhere, but in the last 3 months or so, that's really declined. Christian Girl was a pretty large chunk of my image, and not coincidentally, November is when some awkward stuff happened. I don't think that's the primary reason.

I think the primary reason is more to do with my growing misantrophy. I'm sure this is just a passing feeling and it's going to change in a short period of time. I'll try to keep sane until then.

First day of a new semester

I started the spring semester today at UIC. I knew it was a strange day because of the amount of traffic on the roads ('specially addison... ugh) but I paid no attention to it. The train ride was mostly uneventful and I got to campus with plenty of time to spare. I met up with Transit Kid and we decided to go over the SCE. Now here's the freaky shit: who do I see there but Army Girl!

"Oh shit!" was my thought exactly.
Now, since I haven't explained the back story I have with Army Girl, I'll take this time to do so.

I met Army Girl outside of English class last semester. We immediately hit it off, she was laughing at all my jokes (I'm a quite witty guy) and she had class next door. Later that day, Skeety and I decided to hit up the pool hall they have at my school. Who else shows up but Army Girl! (This wasn't planned or anything, it just happened.)

At the time, I was working on the theory that she was a man eater, since she was blatantly hitting on me all of the time. I didn't want to ask her out because:
A) She had a boyfriend
B) I was busy with Alt Girl
C) She crazy

Later in the semester, she really wanted to play pool with me. Not knowing better at the time, I agreed. She blew me off. Twice. I promptly cut off all contact and wanted it to stay that way.


For that reason, seeing her there at SCE was incredibly awkward. So, I just played it cool and didn't say anything to her or get into her field of view (kinda obvious I'm avoiding her). While doing this, I was talking quite loudly with Transit Kid. How she didn't recognize my voice is beyond me.

I saw her one other time today: when I was heading toward class, I was right behind her. Not wanting to talk to her, I doubled back and went to a different bathroom than I wanted to.

Now, the freaky part.

Accoring to Skeety, she accosted him and asked him where I, his "partner in crime", was. Apparently, her desire to know was so strong she ditched her friends to go talk to him. The funny thing is, she knows my phone number and is still friends with him on facebook, so she knows how to get in touch with me.

I have no idea what I'm going to do about her, if anything. I hope to keep avoiding her until she finally snaps and really tries seeking me out.

The rest of the day wasn't that odd. Most of my classes seem to be blow offs and English seems to have epic potential.

Oh well, that's it for now.

Quotables

This may or maynot become my repository of epix quotes to own people with.

"only by questioning everything do we get the answers to anything." - Transit Kid.

Well... Actually...

I've decided that instead of a place to just vent, it will become a half chronicle of my life, seasoned with random musings and bitchings.

It's gonna take the outline of a play, so here's the character list:
Alt Girl - Girl that turned me on to alternative rock.
Big Momma - A female friend that has my back no matter what.
Skeety - Best friend, thinking about dissapearing.
Pun Guy (*) - makes puns. bad puns.
Me (Zem) - Polish guy that has many problems and issues to work through, mostly related to him feeling like crap cause he's single.
Transit Kid - Guy that just loves mass transit and politics.
Christian Girl (*) - Very prudish Christian girl that had a crush on me.
Army Girl (*) - Army girl that was (and apparently still is) half chasing after me
The Ex (*) - The ex.

The asterisks denote bit parts. That means these characters were, at one point, huge parts of my life, but they're grown outta those roles. There will be other characters mentioned, but those are even more bit characters than the asterisk'd ones. I'll let you know when other, older characters are mentioned.

There will be flash back entries that detail parts of my life that I've been thinking about way too much.